Snowballin' in July

Now that the World Cup is over, I can return to the real purpose of blogging: soul-searching. So consider yourself warned - this post is going to be long and cerebral, probably boring and mostly for my own good.

Lately I have been a bit angsty. Not quite emo (I haven't yet written bad poetry or cut myself). I think the root of this angst is academic in nature: grad school. First off, am I going to go? I think I want to and my gut says yes. So where am I going to go? The UofA seems a logical choice, considering I know the school and live here and all. But I've been thinking that I might want a bit of change, and have thus been looking at schools in the UK and Australia. A select few of them offer a taught Masters degree that lasts one year and is quite thorough, walking one through scientific writing and medical statistics among other things, and research project at the end. See, although I've worked very hard on my undergrad, I somehow think I might not be ready to plunge into research by the end of it. This degree seems like a nice preparation and transition. And it's only a year! I could have a Masters by the time I'm freshly 22 (should I plunge right into my Masters).

Okay, so say that I am all gung ho about going to the UK for a year. How the heck am I going to finance that? My parents have always said that they will pay for my first degree (with the exception of my first year, which was covered by scholarships), but that I would be on my own for subsequent degrees. I'd obviously have to work, but it would take at least a year to accumulate the estimated $50,000+. Would I want to take on the burden of a loan? Could I get more scholarships? Should I start playing the lottery? (I realize that I am being a bit of a nitwit here, considering I am currently unemployed).

Then there's the whole application process. This doesn't seem like something to be taken lightly. I'm pretty sure my grades will be okay, but what about the other things they might be looking for, things that other applicants might have that'll give them The Edge - research experience, published research, good academic connections and references. I think I have a year of schmoozin' and hob-knobbin' ahead of me.

This angst is potentiated by the fact that I have a beast of a year to get through before the possibility of graduate studies. I'm usually itching to get back to school about this time of year, wanting to learn and immerse myself in purpose. But not this year. Oh no. While it will be nice to get back into a routine, I am not excited about all the learning - or attempts at learning - to come. Because I was a bit of a doddler in my first two years, I have the core of my program crammed into my final year. It's going to be tough.

Alas, this angst starts to permeate beyond the topic at hand, hence the title of this post. It makes you start to question your life and where it's headed. You start asking yourself, over and over again, a string of hardcore questions, and you can never seem to give yourself a straight answer. Am I ready for this? Is this really what I want to do? What else could I be doing? Is it too late to make a change? If I were to change, to what might it be? Oooh, that one's the killer. It really gets you thinking.... So, here are five other paths (in no particular order) I could be pursuing as fervently as my current :

1. Multimedia artist: I'm not a bad drawer/painter/what have you. I'd be better if I had more training and practiced more. I have always loved painting (oil and acryllic, water colour not so much), and I am currently starting to fall in love with photography. Would I love being an artist? Yes. Is it as lucrative as I would like it to be? Potentially not.
2. Writer: I used to love to write when I was in elementary school. In the sixth grade I wrote a 32-page, hand-written, single-spaced, dragon slayer story. It had allusions and played with archetypes and everything. In junior high school I picked up a knack for writing poems. It's not until about high school that my brain made a switch into science-mode and my writing skills went on the decline. I went through a rebuilding stage during English 101, and now I think that, with a bit more practice, I could be a decent writer (probably of non-fiction).
   
3. Chef: I was making scrambled eggs at the age of three, Kraft Dinner and hot dogs at the age of four, pot roast dinners at the age of nine. I like to cook. I like to watch others cook. I like to eat! My paternal grandparents were restaurant-owners once upon a time. My dad is a pretty good cook. It might just be in my blood.
   
4. Chemical engineer: I once had what I thought was an undying love for chemistry. I slaughtered high school chemistry, and I was going to become an engineer because of it. But then I didn't. This love started to taper off after CHEM 101/102 and was virtually gone by the time I took CHEM 261/263. If I had pursued it earlier I think I would've loved it, though.
   
5. Medical Doctor: Until about the time I was eight and decided that I wanted to be a lawyer, I wanted to be a doctor. It's not entirely out of the question at this stage of the game, either. I just don't know if I could handle the pressure.

And then sets in the depression as I start to like these other prospects more than my current choice. This depression, of course, creeps about and makes me start to like the ways I want to be more than the ways I currently am. I won't go into the horrifying details, but suffice to say that I feel worse and the end of it all because I don't do anything about it. What's more, I start to feel selfish because here I am, my biggest worries in life concerning an education that most of the world will never see; I'm not ill, not starving, not war-ravaged. Then I wonder if I am just a horrible person.

There is hope for an angst-free existence, though. I am currently building up some inspiration for change, sparked by a few words from Australian musician Ben Lee: "Awake is the new sleep, so wake up and do it - whatever it is."

(I'll soon return to something a little less self-indulgent like the whole Zizou thing, or my quest for a new camera.)