A Lesson in Self-Sabotage

Having set out to study for the MCAT, I have come to realize how truly remarkable it is that I have made it this far in my academic career, especially with such success. Seriously, I am the most lazy person I know.

The MCAT is a pretty important exam, apparently. It'll hopefully be my ticket to medical school, ideally any one of my choosing. You'd think that this FACT would be all the motivation I'd need to study. As it turns out, it's not. Not yet, at least. I am finding it impossible to get in more than six hours a day of hardcore studying. I am more easily distracted than I can remember, and I am failing to retain any substantial amount of information. It has been too long since school ended for me to try to convince myself that I'm still coming down from a high-stress semester. And yet... and yet...

I even have these huge fears that my inadequate preparation for the MCAT will have its repercussions resonate throughout the remainder of my life. Say I score embarassingly low on the MCAT. It's so low that I can't even apply to med schools with the faintest glimmer of hope. Sure, I could fork over more money and write it again, hopefully as soon as possible, but let's say my shattered confidence sends me into some downward spiral. That'll leave me with a summer spent studying for nothing, unemployed, money-less. I'll go back to school in September, not working towards another degree, hopefully employed. I can't even apply to med schools for another year. I wouldn't even get in for at least another two years. I might as well have gone for my Masters. Or PhD, even. Or found a permanent job. But no, now I'll just be hopeless, likely accruing debt, not knowing where my life is headed.

Sure, I'm young. I've got time, so "they" say. But really, do I? Shouldn't I use my youth to my advantage? Get a leg up? Stay ahead of the curve? I think I should. Or do I? I don't even know anymore. And that scares me.

Best case scenario: I get my act together, study amazingly hard for the next seven weeks, score ridiculously well on the MCAT, apply to med schools come the fall, and get accepted (somewhere) for entrance in the fall of 2008. It seems too good to be possible, at the moment.

I fear my chances of acceptance are also hindered by the fact that I have little to no volunteer experience to speak of. I hadn't decided on trying for med until about three months ago. Up until that point, I thought I was going to stay in school forever, get a Masters and PhD. So, unlike other med school applicants, I haven't been volunteering at hospitals and other various establishments to pad my application with "good-heartedness." Thus, I'm banking on my high marks both in school and on the MCAT to get me in. This is probably too wishful.

Again, you'd think all this would be motivation enough. But it's not. So what am I to do? I have seven weeks left, seven weeks that are likely more busy life-wise than the past three. Wedding, my birthday, convocation, concerts, soccer, frisbee, preparations for my trip to Ottawa.... it's daunting, to say the least. I need a kick in the pants, probably literally.

And all this hardcoreness that needs to occur will seriously hurt, possibly obliterate, my chances of finishing my summer reading list. I've completed ten percent of my list in approximately twenty-five percent of my summer. Pathetic.

Books Completed:
On Natural Selection - Charles Darwin
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone - J.K. Rowling (re-read, probably for the twelfth time)
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - J.K. Rowling (re-read, also probably for the twelfth time)

Books to be Completed:
the remainder of the Harry Potter books (5) (all re-reads ranging from three to ten times, except the seventh, of course)
a famous "trilogy in five parts" - Douglas Adams (5) (all re-reads, for the second time)
A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket (13, but probably equates the two and a half, three books tops) *Don't judge me. I just want to see what it's all about.
Passions of the Mind - Irving Stone
The Alchemist - Paulo Coehlo
Life of Pi - Yann Martel (a re-read, for the fourth time)
1984 - George Orwell (a re-read, for the fourth time)
Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
Beatles Anthology (a partial re-read)

I like fiction. I can't seem to find a non-fiction subject that has really captured my interest to any great extent. I also like re-reading, apparently.

Anyway, I hardly need to point out that I shouldn't be blogging. It's only adding to my self-destructive plan, which is wholly unintentional yet highly inevitable.

Oh boy! The last time I blogged was two and a half months ago! That was about the time I had to get really serious about school because it was on its way to kicking my ass big time. Accordingly, blogging slumped to the bottom of my list of priorities.

So, dear reader, I shall tell you a tale in the ancient and revered story-telling style of..... BULLETS!

• Once I realized that school and I were going to have to confront our differences and just get on with it, I committed myself to spending seemingly endless hours in the library. Let me tell you, J.W. Scott and I were very close to announcing our engagement come semester's end. Each Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I spent close to twelve solid hours in the library, most of which were researching for and writing lab reports.
• Lab reports are pretty much the worst thing ever. I would wish them upon only my sworn mortal enemies. You'd think that having to write at least one per week would make the task easier as the semester wore on, but it really didn't. In fact, it probably got harder because, while the research and writing skills improved, the expectations were higher. Plus, I am a slow writer. I like to write things out by hand, type it up once, let it sit for a day, print it off and edit, and revise, revise, revise. Over the course of the semester, I wrote seventeen lab reports for two lab courses - ten for one, and seven for the other. Ideally, each was supposed to be five pages at most, which would bring my page total for the semester to eighty-five. However, I will, with confidence, purport that my reports averaged seven pages in length each, bringing my page total to just under one hundred and twenty pages. This does not include procedural flow charts, appendices, and any raw data sheets. So, I'd say that my page total was nearing 130-140 pages. Ew.
• My final exam schedule was weird this semester. I had two finals in the last week of classes in addition to having two lab reports due in the last week and a bit of classes. On the one hand, that really sucked because of the inherent stress of having to write finals, let alone two in three days, and having to bump the numerically less important lab reports to the proverbial back seat. On the other hand, having written two finals in the last week of classes, I only had three to write during the designated finals period, each nicely spaced out thus providing me with ample time to prepare for all of them. Or so I thought. One of them was probably one of the toughest finals I have ever written, for one of the toughest courses I have ever taken - IMIN 452: Advanced Immunology. This course totally rearranged the way I approached academics, really... the way I processed information, the way I wrote tests and answered questions, the value I put into the information presented in a text book, and the way in which I perceived experimental research. I guess it showed me that what I have learned and done in my undergrad career is really (truly) just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what a life in academia is about.
• IMIN 452 also made me realize, or really confirmed, that immunology is likely not exactly for me, even though I thought it was for a couple of years. That is why I am, henceforth, going to pursue medicine!! And it all starts RIGHT NOW. I went through a lot of crap-ola to get a seat to write the MCAT, and it ended up that I am not even writing it in Edmonton - I'm writing it in an old city of residence, Ottawa! While it's unfortunate that I can't simply write in here, it's fortunate that I am writing it in Ottawa where I have family and all the sweet hookups that I need. I'm writing the test on July 13, and I plan to stay in Ottawa for about a week after to visit the fam. I think it's going to be fun. What's not going to be fun is the studying I will have to do, which is (I hope) starting tomorrow.
• And speaking of the 13th of July.... HARRYPOTTEROMG!!!! I am so pumped... for both the movie and the book. Oh my. OH MY!!!!
• And speaking of literature, I have an excessively ambitious summer reading list. It's close to thirty books, I think. Granted, some are very short, two or three of which could possibly be ticked off the list in one solid day of reading. The excess ambition stems from the fact that I will have to dedicate more than half of my summer to studying for the MCAT. But we'll see. I have already read one book and have started another since exams ended, but that's not really saying much considering how short the book was (On Natural Selection by Charles Darwin). It's not really a book actually, more of an extended essay.
• Unrelatedly, being able to watch the NHL playoffs has made me a happy happy HAPPY person. Seriously. Last year it was incredibly torturous because the Oilers were doing so well in the playoffs whilst I was dealing with final exams, but since I essentially stopped caring about them after The Big Trade, and since they licked arse and didn't make the playoffs, I was less distracted during this year's finals period. But now that I have had the time to actually sit and watch some games, I can't believe what I was missing. It's beautiful, albeit unfortunate for the likes of the Canucks, but beautiful. Plus, all these overtime games - how exciting!
  
• Back to school - I have graduated! With a Science degree! Which is essentially useless! That's why I'll be back in classes come September, I think... I hope.... I have to accrue some more physics credits, but that might not even happen until January....
  
• Come to think of it, my life is pretty much in shambles at the moment. I have a few ideas of what I want to do with it, but I might be lacking on the resources end. I hate growing up.

Okay, I think that's enough of a story for now.... my train of thought is taking a few detours on account of me watching the Rangers-Sabres game as I write this.